The walls are sweating.
Anticipation breathes,
Rustles the curtains with
Its moist breath.
Darkness never falls, it jumps-
It’s the light that dives,
Limbs spread, crashing simultaneously
Into the oily water in the morning.
No wonder it wakes me up.
Darkness smothers light in the evenings,
Pushes it out of the way
Because it knows I want to be alone.
In the night I can’t see the stains on the walls
I can’t smell the sweat because the dark
Makes me feel like I can’t sense anything at all.
Please don't tell me that some lines have punctuation at the end and some don't. I know this, and I don't particularly want to change it. All other criticisms welcome, as usual.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Overall, I liked it. The only thing I might suggest is breaking it up into stanzas, but that's just because when it's in a lump like that, I lose focus really fast.
I liked the last three lines as well. :thumb:
I was going to say that I hated the repetition of "can’t see the stains on the walls"...I mean, four times, in a row? C'mon! You know better.
And then I realized that all four of the times it was repetitious didn't exist, and I suddenly wonder if I'm asleep...
I feel very very ill.
I'll be honest now, as much as this type of poetry is accepted, as 'free verse', I am not particularily fond of it. Not saying I don't like this poem, nor some others, nor my free verses. However with no rules applied to a free verse, there's not much to critique, and even if you didn't mention the thing about grammar, no one could say anything because this is free verse, and thus anything goes. That being said, I was confused. At first I thought it had something to with a wet dream, or actual intercourse. Then I thought maybe the narrator feels insecure in the light, thus one of those 'I hate life' type of rants. Ya I think that's it....
I liked it, puncuation or not
It gave me this... pretty... lovely image in my head... although somewhat insanely creepy (But that's the mood I'm in, don't take it badly)
"In the night I can’t see the stains on the walls
I can’t smell the sweat because the dark
Makes me feel like I can’t sense anything at all."
That was my favourite line of all. A nice vacation from thinking about the next class: Science *shudders*